Are you ready for Rocktober?
The Rockies sure are, more than halfway through the season and sitting 13 games below .500, they are in a perfect position to make another historic run.
Fans frustrated with the ineffectiveness of the team, no need to worry any longer, the Colorado Rockies have a plan!
From the Producers of Moneyball comes This Year’s Summer Blockbuster Hit!
Inspired by true events, the story of an underachieving team rising to the occasion and pulling off an improbable comeback that took the nation by storm.
Starring: Bryan Cranston as Walt Weiss, a high school chemistry teacher by day, Colorado Rockies manager at night. After years of coaching in Albuquerque, he took his product up to Colorado, hoping to spread his knowledge and craft. His skeptics have been awaiting his demise ever since his inception, to their chagrin he’s still alive and well.
Shia LeBeouf as Troy Tulowitzki, a once child star, under-appreciated by the industry because of where he played, attempts to reinvent himself, only to have it all torn away from him by a series of injuries. Reprising his role from the first Rocktober, he looks to build on a strong performance with what critics are deeming “career defining” and “must see”.
Casey Affleck as Jeff Bridich, the wonder-kin who climbed up the ranks of baseball with his relentless hours of studying and his cunning looks. In 2014, after years of training, he was deemed worthy to receive the keys to Colorado’s most precious gem. Using his skills of deception, he maneuvers several deals to ensure Rocktober continues as planned.
Robert Downey Jr. as Charlie Blackmon, the easy going, free spirit, who happens to be one hell of a center fielder. Never considered elite, he decides to grow a beard. Seeing the effect it had on Brian Wilson and Sergio Romo, he assumed nothing could go wrong. What he didn’t know is that once you grow a beard, you can never shave it. It’s a gift and a curse. Luckily he never cut his glorious beard and in turn helped the Rockies return to glory.
John Malkovich as Dick Monfort, over-involved owner who alienates the fan base only to regain their loyalty by building a party deck and lowering beer prices.
Leonardo DiCaprio as Adam Ottavino, the young-gun, overzealous closer, who severely injures himself early in the season, only to make a miraculous comeback just in time for Rocktober. Some question whether he is a robot sent from the future to show mankind how to throw a slider.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Carlos Gonzalez, the once Triple Crown threat, who got bit by a radioactive octopus that implanted a tentacle mass in his finger. Initially thought to be hindering his hitting ability, it was removed, only to grow back a year later. Once he realized there was nothing he could do, he embraced it. He became one with the tentacles and used them for good. Once fully realizing his potential, he surpassed all previous accomplishments, hitting with ridiculous consistency.
Jared Leto as Nolan Arenado, the young, energetic, up and coming superstar. Already surpassing high expectations, he quickly has become a dominant force on the team, garnering respect and praise from even the most established members of the business.
Daniel Day-Lewis as John Axford, former lumberjack turned lawyer who had given up on his dream to play professional baseball, until an attempted assassination on him causes him to realize his true calling.
Tom Hardy as Corey Dickerson, the tough-hitting outfielder who deals with plantar fasciitis for much of the season. After realizing the injury would not heal, he decides to “Ronnie Lott” himself and amputate his foot. Since baseball strictly forbids use of aluminum, Dickerson implants a cork foot to keep himself balanced. He takes several months to recover, returning just in time to help his team make the improbable run.
Don Cheadle as LaTroy Hawkins, the veteran leader of the pitching staff. Played for nearly every club, his veteran leadership is well received. Constantly keeping it light in the locker room, his contributions go far beyond his play on the field. At the lowest point in the season, he replaces the pitching coach, becoming the first player-coach in the MLB in years.
Viggo Mortenson as Justin Morneau, the stoic first baseman who suffers a concussion that forces him to hang up his cleats. He uses his years of experience to mentor Wilin Rosario only to find out Rosario has no ability to play defense, causing the team to ship him to to Tampa Bay. With no one left to train, he decides to join the Canadian mob.
Barry Pepper as Nick Hundley, the veteran catcher who much like “Crash” Davis in Bull Durham helps mold young pitchers into successful members of society. Unlike most baseball movies, this film will NOT feature Kevin Costner. It will however include Barry Pepper not playing Roger Maris.
Ryan Gosling as Kyle Kendrick, the “big free agent signing” who was supposed to be the savior of the Rockies. After a rough start to the year, many believed he had failed the team. Some went even as far as to compare him to a pitching machine, although a pitching machine can get swings and misses on occasion.
Jon Heder as DJ LeMahieu, the forgotten man. With his tall lanky frame, no one takes him seriously. He constantly needs to prove himself to the club even though he never really does anything wrong. However, whenever a mistake is made, he loses the ground worked so hard to get. After making the All-Star team he assumed he would gain instant credibility; when this did not happen he used it as motivation. Not getting recognition for his baseball accomplishments, he chooses to pursue a career in politics as the campaign manager for Pedro Martinez.
Wes Welker as Michael McKenry, their apparent resemblance is uncanny. Outcry from fans called for Wes Welker to make a cameo appearance in this blockbuster. It will not feature any lines by Mr. Welker, but may have a dropped ball or two.
Meat Loaf as Ben Paulsen, this may not seem like the most realistic casting since some CGI may be required in order to make the resemblance respectable. It is however, a perfect reference to one of Meat Loaf’s previous roles in which he played Robert “Bob” Paulson in David Fincher’s Fight Club (1999). There could not be a more fitting person to play the mustache man himself than the man whose name was Robert Paulson, his name was Benjamin Paulsen.
With an ensemble cast of this caliber, this blockbuster is sure to be a hit. Some critics are calling it “too big to fail” and “an instant classic”. Surly they are right, considering all characters are thoroughly based on real people, with subtle changes to make it more Hollywood appropriate. Since all events are completely factual, it is fair to assume if the Rockies follow this formula to a tee, everything will go perfectly according to planned.