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Rockies Festivus - Rockies Zingers Colorado Rockies Baseball

Rockies Festivus

Today is the eve of Christmas Eve, that one can argue actually begins the day after Halloween, but at any rate, today is special. Religion is the reason why: No, not because of Christianity or any other specific religion. I am talking about the secular holiday of Festivus.

If you were not a viewer of the classic TV show Seinfeld, some of this may not make sense to you. But let me give you some background to Festivus. It is a holiday that is celebrated today (December, 23.) It is a replacement for whatever holiday you celebrate during the festive season. This holiday, however, does not have the commercialism or pressures around it that the other holidays do.


This celebrated parody was made famous on an episode of Seinfeld (The Strike) in 1997. Scriptwriter Dan O’Keefe took a family tradition and turned it into a cult classic. In the episode, Kramer, regarding the holiday, asks Frank Costanza all about it. Frank begins to tell Kramer of the origins stating “many Christmases ago he went to buy a doll for his son.” He and another man soon began to fight for the last doll. Frank realized “there had to be another way!” Kramer asks “what happened to the doll?” and Frank said “It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born: A Festivus for the rest of us!!!”

The traditions of Festivus center around a plain aluminum pole (The Festivus Pole). A Festivus meal is used to celebrate the holiday. At the dinner, two traditions are practiced. The first being The Airing of Grievances, the second being The Feats of Strength. The Airing of Grievances begins as the dinner is served; this tradition is exactly how it sounds. The dinner group lashes out at each other and the world and explains how they have been disappointed over the past year. The Feats of Strength, the final tradition observed during Festivus, takes place after the food has been eaten. During the Feats of Strength, the head of the household chooses a person at the dinner and challenges them to a wrestling match. Festivus cannot be declared over until the challenger pins the head of the household.


Now we get to Rockies Festivus, not Roxivus. Rockies and Festivus go together perfectly. If you were to categorize the Rockies, they would fit into “the rest of us.” They are not in the category of the Yankees, Tigers, Red Sox, Giants, Dodgers, or Cubs. Just like how Festivus doesn’t fit into the traditional practice of Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism and Mormonism.

Sorry for all the baseball and religious references, but I’ve learned a lot from Annie Savoy of Bull Durham.

The rest of us can also be the franchisees who have never won their own division. Well, just us and our 1993 expansion counterpart; the Miami Marlins, and they’ve won two World Series, if you needed to be reminded. (But the Rockies have never lost 100 games so zing! [The always-laughable comeback.]) So the rest of us, are just us, I guess.

It’s not only “the rest of us” that have the Rockies fitting in with Festivus. The Rockies often make Festivus Miracles come to life. Like the singing of Daniel Descalso, a Festivus Miracle! Or how about the acquisition of Jairo Diaz; that too was a Festivus Miracle! Or even the addition of Tyler Anderson to the 40 man roster; a major Festivus Miracle!


The Airing of Grievances

There are many grievances we can air at the Rockies right now about things that have happened over the past year. Number one is something that will be remembered for a long time among this fan base; sent from my IPad-gate. In July owner Dick Monfort called out our fan base who continue to support a team whose product has, at times, lacked in quality (to say the least). Even if the customer is not always right, there’s no reason to insult people who have been more than supportive. The head honcho shouldn’t be threatening “a new home” and saying “don’t come.” We can go over this for a few thousand words but we have a Festivus Dinner to eat; so onto the next grievance. But keep this in mind Dick “your company stinks!”

The next big grievance I have is health, well lack of health. It’s probably not Rockies’ Trainer Keith Dugger’s fault, as much as it is the altitude but The Rockies still go down like flies no matter what the reason is. The Nuggets in the past, when led by GM Masai Ujiri and coach George Karl, found a clever way around the more frequent injuries that a team playing at 5280 is accustom to. The Nuggets would have a roster that was deeper than any team in the league. Where most NBA teams play 8 or 9 players on a regular basis, the Nuggets would have 11 or 12 guys who could be thrown into the fire. The Rockies have built deeper teams perhaps because of altitude’s effect on injuries, but they still haven’t found a formula when it comes to sustaining success over multiple seasons. Just in 2014 alone the Rockies season was derailed by hips that liedtentacles, and whatever Brett Anderson‘s fragile body was out with. So the problem I have is this, it’s been over twenty years, figure out a way around the extra injuries you know that your team will suffer. If the Rockies can solve this issue “another piece of the puzzle will fall into place.”

Can somebody get someone to pitch with sustained success in Coors while wearing a Rockies uniform? I know the Rockies have Jorge De La Rosa who fits that category, but I’m saying; can the Rockies get a true ace into the Mile High City so we can win some 1-0 ballgames? Maybe this will be coming soon with the few prospects the Rockies have who are projected to do well in the rotation. Couple that with a new GM Jeff Bridich, who has a background in player development but that’s for 2015 and beyond. Right now we are airing our 2014 grievances. There are many other grievances I can list because “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people” but I’ll stick to four. This will be my last. Wilin Rosario cannot catch; so stop playing him at catcher. Willin “couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if he had a hot date with a babe – I lost my train of thought.”


As we eat our meal let’s take a look at our Festivus Pole. Of course, made from aluminum because of its “very high strength to weight ratio.” It’s decorated with well nothing because “tinsel is distracting.”

The Feats of Strength

Now we wrap up our dinner. Festivus cannot be declared over until the head of the household, in this case the Dodgers, get pinned by the Rockies. Why the Dodgers? Well, the Dodgers won the NL West in 2014. Why the Rockies? Because that’s who we’re fans of and what difference does it make to us if the Dodgers or Giants win the West? All we really care about is the Rockies winning the West. The Rockies winning the NL West would be a true Festivus Feat of Strength, more so than even George pinning Frank Costanza.

The Rockies on the field may not be able to pin the Dodgers this year but that doesn’t mean the Rockies can’t pin the Dodgers off the field. Colorado, especially the Denver area has an affluence of celebrities. No not Ron Zappolo, Jake Jabbs, and Tom Shane, I’m talking Amy Adams, Jessica Biel, Don Cheadle, and The Lumineers. The issue is when is the last time you saw any of them at Coors Field? Never. Unlike the Hollywood Dodgers’ celebs a lot of the celebrities you see out and about in Denver are actually from Colorado. So maybe, just maybe we can win a celebrity war with the Showtime Dodgers. If that can’t happen maybe we can bring Magic Johnson to Denver for a road series, smooth him over with a few of Colorado’s own brews and “borrow” his credit card. There are lots of things the Rockies could do with that money. Number one on their list should be getting a hologram John Denver. I can see it now, instead of some C list country act performing at Coors after a Sunday game the Rockies bring a show of The Fray, Joe Walsh (just to sing Rocky Mountain Way,) hologram John Denver, and a performance of Led Zeppelin’s Misty Mountain Hop, by Robert Plant, Jimmy Paige, John Paul Jones, and hologram John Bonham, to Coors Field. Ha, top that LA! They’re so messed up out there that they’ll make people pay to listen to Kiss. Go home Gene Simmons you’re drunk. Okay so maybe hologram John Denver and Gene Simmons fight into the infinite abyss of Colorado versus Southern California, but one thing we can chalk up as win in our war is water. You think you have a shortage of water now California just wait until Charlie Monfort and his team of ranch hands goes up to the continental divide and starts shoveling snow from the western slope to the eastern slope one scoop at a time. Foolishness you say? How about just building a few more dams on the Colorado River. That’s our water! You keep you’re dirty surfer hands off it! And we know from experience you can’t have a big league baseball game without water.


Well, that’s gonna’ wrap up this article about nothing. If you are thinking about donating to charity in someone’s name for a gift, don’t. “It has a certain understated stupidity.” Anyway, here are some better gift ideas from our friends at Purple Row. Happy Festivus to all of our Rockies Zingers readers. Maybe 2015 will be better than 2014. But it seems we have already started to compose our 2015 list of Grievances to air next year. At any rate, “I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!”

About Jake Shapiro

Born in Chicago, raised in Boulder, I fell in love with the Rockies in 2009 and beautiful Coors Field soon there after. I played baseball throughout high school, stopping after a bevy of injuries (Hi Mark Prior). Now I umpire Little League, and write/podcast about the Rockies and Buffs.
I attend the University of Colorado at Boulder, where I enjoy long walks on the beach, romantic get-a-ways… oh this isn’t a dating profile.

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