Celebrities, the Colorado Rockies have a problem that has gone criminally unnoticed. You see, we have a baseball team in a fanatical sports town with a great music scene and hip-hopping night life. There’s only one thing we are missing… celebrity fans!
I sense skepticism. My fellow fans don’t believe me? The Rockies have bigger things to worry about like wins and losses and WAR (RRWAR?) and all those statistical abbreviations? Pshaw, I say! Having a celebrity fan is the new Moneyball, the latest market inefficiency that major league teams across the country are taking advantage of. Sure, the celebrity might need a few million in perks a year, but the intangibles can’t be measured with a calculator.
Still don’t believe me? Oh ye of little faith… the reasons lie below.
Celebrities increase player morale.
There are millionaires playing baseball who suffer every day. The yearly sojourn each February to far away lands like Arizona and Florida where baseball players are forced to be outside in 70 degree weather… The pressure of being invited to every after party and pre-game party within 100 miles of the previous party… The thousands of people begging for fifteen seconds so that you can add your personalized graffiti to their memorabilia… The countless interviews that they take one. day. at. a. time. It’s a grind.
Managers try to relate, but really, they don’t know what it’s like in these trying social times. These poor souls need a support system and the only ones who have gone through something similar are celebrities.
Are you a rookie who isn’t sure how to use your signing bonus? A minor league vet wanting to add some flavored syrup to your cup of coffee? Well, celebrities can help you,! They can make sure you only go to the right parties, they can set you up with their PR guy or gal so that you can have your Twitter run for you! They even know which kind of sunblock to use for the discerning gentlemen. For just the cost of a cup of coffee a second, you, the celebrity, can adopt one of these players.*
*Offer void in Utah.
Celebrities enhance the fan experience.
But hey, we’re fans. We want to help the players, but we want to help ourselves too. Whether you’re at the game or at home, even the most die hard fan will look away from the game. Now, if you’re at home in Denver, you’re probably seeing if the weather changed in the last five minutes. If you’re at the game, you’re probably trying to decide between a hot dog or a chocolate-dipped strawberry based on vendor proximity. The problem is, whether you are at home or at Coors Field, you’re looking away from the game! I mean, if you’re at the game, you can only watch the same mid-inning promotion half a time before trying to find something else to look at and if you’re at home, well, whatever the weather is it won’t matter in the next five minutes anyway. The point is, you’re no longer focused on the game. So put a celebrity on the tele so that everyone’s either looking at the jumbotron or their TV, then when the next inning starts ‘Voila!’. You got your fan base back into the game instead of looking to the sides, which is dangerously close to looking at the exits, which is a tempting destination after another Rockies pitcher walks in another run. Besides, anything that keeps fans from noticing the latest company sponsoring the “Pick a Cup” game has got to be a good thing and sadly, sometimes Dinger pelting fans with T-shirts doesn’t make the cut. But put Dinger with a celebrity and…
Aw… how cute!
Celebrities have secondary skills.
Besides being famous, with the rare exception of celebrities who are famous for being famous, most celebrities have secondary skills. Perhaps that’s taking over the broadcast booth to give your Hall of Fame broadcaster a rest…
That act alone has generated the Cubs free marketing and YouTube hits for a generation, distracting a fanbase from facing certain peril which, I do believe, is despair shaped.
Or perhaps your celebrity can issue an executive order to disrupt a rival team’s offseason…
Drugs, sadly, are also a secondary skill. Drugs are bad. And sometimes, bad is good. Doing bad things allows celebrities to get free publicity on TMZ on the way down and critical acclaim at the Oscars on the way back up. Imagine if a reformed bad boy or girl strolled the red carpet in a Rockies hat, taking time out of their acceptance speech to thank Carlos Gonzales and Troy Tulowitzki for being a model of perseverance through injury, er, adversity. Might be the first time in history Twitter (#Tulo), Baseball-Reference (Tulo) and Google (Tulo?) crash at the same time.
Besides, drugs provide celebrities opportunities for growth. No, I’m not saying they would own a “greenhouse”. What I mean is that they learn the ins and outs of the legal system. Buy an up-and-coming celebrity a regular limo when they are young (cheaper and easier to impress, kinda like the June Amateur Draft). Watch Hollyweird or the music industry get to them (and maybe toss in a few hypothetical brownies to help), then after they emerge from rehab in Rockies gear, kick back as their redemption pays off in community service and “feel good stories” and all that free press as your Rockies-indoctrinated and adorned celebrity quaffs a $5 Dasani in the mezzanine section. Even better, that young neophyte you cultivated will acquire experience that could be vital to your front office and players. New Rockies rookie got a DUI? Need help fighting a drug test? Call your resident celebrity!
P.S. For those who are unfamiliar with the mystical powers of pop culture, imagine a skill tree where after 3.64 days of macroing up to level 50, you get access to god mode (immunity from authority) with a teleporting hack (private jet). Same kind of thing.
Of course, sometimes the rehab doesn’t go all that well, which also serves as a lesson to young fans…
And lessons, provided by a celebrity role model or at minimum a celebrity are important. Besides, how else do we get enlightenment sans celebrity at Coors Field? Oh yeah… drink beer.
Celebrities increase attendance which increases payroll.
In LoDo, people can and will drink almost anywhere (and during Oktoberfest, literally will drink anywhere). If you have a celebrity, those same beer guzzlers come to the ballpark because, “Hey, there’s a celebrity! Maybe I’ll get a picture!” Then it becomes “Ooh, maybe they’ll come back! Bartender, ‘nother round!”. Followed a few times by “If they don’t come back in the next five minutes, I’ll leave! Bartender, ‘nother shot!” Don’t believe me? Some people will spend all day either perched on a fence post or roaming around trying to spot a celebrity. I believe they’re called paparazzi. Well, let’s make those paparazzi contribute towards the Rockies payroll. Meanwhile, not only are the paparazzi paying up, so is the celebrity’s entourage, then the groupies trying to get into the entourage, then the groupies’ friends buying sodas trying to stay sober so they can get their friends home (and have a story to tell later) just in case.
And gosh, the Rockies also do a service to the community. There will be less cases of alcohol poisoning if immature drinkers can’t buy their six pint at a LoDo pub because they already caught their limit on two sippy cups at Coors. Studies have even not shown that celebrities help boost the local economy! Just think of it. All those hard-earned dollars could reduce unemployment and definitely go towards the next Rockies dynasty and all for a good cause… brings a tear to my eye. Thank you, celebrity!
Celebrities attract superstar(!) free agents.
Any time a superstar free agent flies into town, what happens? Not only do they get to talk to the team’s star players, they get a chance to see what it would be like to live there. That means they get to sample the latest in million dollar penthouses, backroom VIP access (without needing a badge) to all the concerts and no waiting lines at the DMV. Yep, they get a tour! And in order to have a tour, you need a face (read: celebrity) to promote that tour. I mean, a GM’s charisma will only get him so far and do you really want someone who has upset a fan base to be courting the next Yu Puig-Jeter? Heck no! Get a celebrity in your pocket and they’ll bring along the talent without even trying.
See, look? There’s Jay-Z, bringing Cano to Seattle. Is he breaking a sweat? Nope! If he wasn’t a multimillionaire, by the look on his face, I’d think he was photobombed.
Signing’s gotta be hard, right? Not at all! In fact, he’s waiting for people to tell him where to tell Cano to sign. All the original J.Z. (Seattle GM Jack Zduriencik) had to do was buy Jay-Z a birthday cake and send a tip (read: finder’s fee) along with a nudge-nudge, wink-wink or two. Next day, poof! Jay-Z is proud to announce that “Cano’s “[fulfilled his lifelong dream as Cano has said in every single press release since the Yankees drafted him of being] a Mariner.”
What, you didn’t think all that money Cano signed for all went to Cano, did you?
On that note, why didn’t we send Jay-Z a birthday cake? Business-savvy, musically inclined, a huge entourage and the ability to snooker Scott Boras are the secondary skills we need!
Now, some of you may think “Cano’s too expensive, he never would’ve been a Rockie”. Pricey? Yes, but so was Mike Hampton and Danny Neagle. Spending $250 million is relatively easy. Finding a player worth spending it on requires a celebrity. True story. In 2000, the Colorado Rockies had money to spend. Mike Mussina was available but, alas, the poor Rockies didn’t have a celebrity so he became a Yankee. For Pete’s sake, Manny Ramirez was available and instead we got Hampton, Neagle, a scandal and what was left of Ron Gant (who would’ve been a wash defensively with Manny). Oh if only we had legalized marijuana back then… or had the next best thing, a celebrity! (See Celebrity: Secondary Skills, Drugs).
Denver, we have a problem.
There’s just one wrinkle in our master plan to dominate baseball via celebrity spokesmanship. There aren’t a lot of celebrities who actually live in Colorado. Oh sure, there are celebrities all over Colorado. I mean, they’re always flying their private jets (re: teleport hack) between Aspen and Estes Park on their way to Hollywherever. Surely a few million thrown onto a tarmac in the general direction of their entourage (can’t forget the entourage) can buy a detour to Blake Street. But do they ever stroll down Blake Street? Heck (probably) no! Oh they might hit a snazzy night club here and there, safely ensconced behind two rows of velvet rope, three body guards and a privacy curtain, but you don’t really see them all that often.
And by the way, when I talk about celebrities who need to visit Coors, I’m not talking about other athletes. Asking a Bronco/Nugget to attend a Rockies game is a bit like asking your best friend to come to your niece’s piano recital. Sure, they’ll go and they might even enjoy it, but they probably won’t skip their preseason practice to do so and given the choice, they’d prefer to be in Aspen.
The other easy answer is Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park and the Book of Mormon. Look on the internet and everyone “claims” they are Rockies fans. Since a qualitative analysis (Are steroid users a positive portrayal of baseball?) was not positive, I studied the claim quantitatively. However, by my unofficial count, there’ve only been two South Park episodes that have mentioned baseball… one of which dealt with steroids and the other dealt with the kids not wanting to play baseball anymore.That suggests Parker and Stone rank baseball somewhere between the Chili-Con Carnival and golf, neither of which is an appetizing result.
Ideas? I’m out. I’m sure there must be some but googling “Celebrities who live in Colorado” provides a list of authors I love that some people won’t recognize and the mother from the Brady Bunch who by many accounts is a mighty nice lady and I’d gladly welcome aboard, but we’re a few generations removed from people who would call her hip.
So, yes, we might have to draft one. Someone who can improve player morale, enhance the fan experience, has some secondary skills, and can generate attendance. Ironically, I think I even found the perfect fit. He’s definitely hip, people know who he is. And, well, he’s hard to look away from…
I can see it now. “GO ROCKIES! YEAA BOY!!!!!!!” ™
He’s probably been a Rockies fan all along and considering his secondary skills probably didn’t know it.
See it now?
And the best part? He’s already a mile high.
Yep. That’s my nomination. Not a perfect one, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
As of now, that’s right.
Come on down to Coors tonight ’cause Flav, the Rockies (unofficially) want you!
However, at Rockies Zingers, this is a representative republic of a forum of sorts, so fans of this idea feel free to comment below if you can think of someone different. Together, between you and I, we can find a celebrity and for just a few million a year, we can save a Rockies player (and the fans) from despair.
I’ve been told Flavor Flav promotes drug use. Sorry.
In light of this, a proposal celebrity option has been suggested. The advantage of this celebrity is that, unlike Flavor Flav who is associated with somewhere out there, this celebrity is associated with Colorado. The disadvantage is that he’s dead. However, thanks to the revolutionary hologram technology utilized by more major news outlets than this one, we can actually use this to our advantage to directly enhance the fan experience. Thus, in lieu of Flav, Eric McKinley Garcia proposes Hologram John Denver. Below are two concept shots (subject to deferring funding from Pitch F/X).
John Denver. From Colorado. Via hologram. And he’s also Rocky Mountain High. Well played, Eric.